Do you remember the worst birthday of your life? I do.
I cried at every birthday party until the age of 11 (like a real pansy) but this was not one of those. This was later in my life and much worse...
Her name was Jennifer and we were in a committed relationship. Things were going pretty good for us. We had been dating for over a month when things went drastically wrong. I mean Dateline wrong.
She was super attractive and I was as skinny as a piece of yarn. I was 12 years old and she was a mature 13. I should have seen the warning signs.
I decided to have a birthday party at my house for all my friends which included said girlfriend. Back then the more friends you invited, the more presents you got and let's be honest, presents are EVERYTHING. However, there was one present I was not expecting.
We were hanging out near the garage when my close dude friends started chanting "kiss her, kiss her". I started to sweat...
Listen, OF COURSE I had kissed my girlfriend before, but we had never "French Kissed". I WAS PETRIFIED.
After constant harassment from my friends I finally caved in and attempted my first tongue kiss. From what I remember, it was like licking a salamander, slimy and horrific. I also had no idea what to do with my tongue. I couldn't decide whether to go straight in and out? Or circles? Or leave it limp? Or side to side? Kind of like when you are at the dentist and can't seem to get it out of the way of the cleaning tools and his fat fingers. I digress.
Have you ever had a full blown anxiety attack while french kissing a girl? I have.
The kiss lasted about 900 hours. I blacked out.
Afterwards, I started feeling nauseous and literally got sick to my stomach. I canceled the party and made everyone go home. The next day I told everyone she bit my tongue to save face.
We never got married.
Lesson learned? French kissing is disgusting and makes you sick so never invite your girlfriend to your 6th grade borthday party.